When our fear of being deserted by our loved ones moves beyond the natural fear of loss, it can begin to undermine and damage those very relationships we most fear losing. Thoughts of being alone can trigger compulsive behaviors so severe and unsettling that they begin to interfere with our daily lives.
Bringing Lust Home (E. Perel)
I quite enjoyed the following conversation (2007) between journalist Jesse Kornbluth and psychologist Esther Perel concerning the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire and what it takes to bring lust home. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examined the complexities of sustaining desire in her warmly-received book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
Reclaim Adulthood, Reclaim Passion (D. Schnarch)
Unlike marriage specialists Drs. John Gottman and Susan Johnson who speak of the importance of connection and attachment, psychologist David Schnarch focuses on differentiation and on balancing one’s individuality with being a couple. In the following selection from a longer article in Psychology Today (How to Grow Up, by Pam Weintraub, May 2012), Schnarch proposes a road map for becoming an authentic adult that is also a blueprint for putting passion back in relationships.
Weightlifting and Love
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NPR invited poets from the far reaches of the globe to compose original works celebrating the Olympic Games. The verse below is by poet Ouyang Yu, who was born in China and moved to Australia in 1991. He is a prolific writer of poetry, fiction, nonfiction, literary translation and criticism in English and Chinese.
It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry
I am not a very good sleeper. Going to bed upset or overwhelmed can keep me up and tossing until 3 a.m. You might think, then, that I would welcome the imperative that one should resolve all disagreements before settling down for the night. Should I perhaps be heeding the wisdom in the New Testament verse — “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26) — often quoted as the source for this entrenched belief?
Reclaiming Authenticity in Marriage
Kristin Armstrong, a freelance writer and contributing editor for Runner’s World magazine, and the ex-wife of cyclist Lance Armstrong, writes about “getting back the real me … one heartbreaking and publicly failed marriage later” (Kristin Armstrong on Marriage, Glamour Magazine, May 1, 2006).
If I were to do things over again, I wouldn’t have thrown myself so irrevocably into my new life. I would have guarded the things that made me feel like me — the places, the friends — and above all I would have spoken up about my needs. Instead, I will leave you with a lesson about how a woman can hold on to the bright, hard flame of who she is.
The Problem with “Don’ts”
Excerpted from Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage, by Bader & Pearson
The route to deception in a marriage [or long-term relationship] is mainly found within routine exchanges. Couples make demands upon each other and often expect things to be a certain way (their way). By laying down the law, they may inadvertently set the stage for deception. It can take only a few snippets of conversation to cue your mate to be more open or to shut up and shut down. The situation can be hard to spot because, at first glance, it looks like everyone is in agreement. Also, a rule might not be articulated until it’s been violated.
Relationship Advice from Noel Coward
A client shared this with me, and I share it with you: some sound, stern relationship advice from the great Noël Coward, in the form of an invaluable letter he sent to his good friend, Marlene Dietrich, in 1956. He was replying to a recent, downbeat missive from Dietrich, in which she had detailed the latest in a long line of depressing “episodes” involving her on-off lover of a few years, Yul “Curly” Brynner. Coward clearly couldn’t bear to see her suffer any longer.