Human sexuality is complex, and the nature of intimate partners’ circumstances and interactions is varied and complicated. That said, at the risk of oversimplifying all of the above, I share with you a simple, but wise, quotation that rethinks…. foreplay.
Loving Generously (E.E. Smith)
According to scientific findings, lasting relationships come down to — you guessed it — kindness and generosity. Drawing on the research of the Gottman Relationship Institute, Emily Esfahani Smith (Masters of Love, The Atlantic, 6.12.14) writes that partners who show genuine interest in their partners’ joys are more likely to be happy together and content with their relationship. The following is a short, edited excerpt.
Tips for Time-Out (T. Real)
Disagreements do not need to be resolved immediately or before we go to bed. On the contrary. Often, when a fight with our partner escalates, our nervous system goes into overdrive, as we are flooded by currents of rage, hurt, panic and fear. Our muscles tighten, our stomachs clench, our hands begin to tremble. This is our primitive, parasympathetic nervous system in action, preparing us for fight or flight, a state in which we lose our capacity for rational thought.
Recovering from Infidelity (E. Perel)
Over the course of several years, psychologist/author Esther Perel contacted couples she had seen following an affair to find out more about the long-term impact of the infidelity. This posting is an abridged version of an article she published in 2010 (After the Storm: The Affair in Retrospective), in which she identified three basic patterns in the way couples reorganize themselves after an infidelity.
Infidelity: To forgive or not to forgive
Your partner has had an affair. Should you leave? Esther Perel, psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity (2006), maintains that to think of the affair as the sum total of a whole relationship, is to think in black-and-white. Sometimes, exploring and coming to an understanding of what happened in the relationship makes it deeper and more resilient. But how does one go about the process of forgiving?
Female Sexual Responsiveness: A circular model
For a long period after Masters and Johnson published their groundbreaking book, Human Sexual Response in 1966, the assumption has been that men and women share a similar pattern of sexual response. As a result, many women (among them many of my clients) wonder if their sexual responsiveness is not quite normal, perhaps problematic, or even pathological.
Listening Tools to Shift a Difficult Conversation
In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High (2013), authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler observe how easily our eons-old defense mechanisms kick in, when we match an inappropriate or sharp comment, accusation or unkind shot with our own hasty, ugly reaction. With absolutely no clue as to what is going on in our partner’s head, the opportunity for understanding and connection is missed.
Making Love Work (T. Real)
In his 2008 book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, Terrence Real, distinguished therapist and bestselling author, draws upon his experience working with thousands of couples to teach frustrated partners how to get their mates to show up (and grow up!).