simcha's postings about love, connection, parenting & personal growth
New York City divorce lawyer James J. Sexton has faciliated the demise of over 1,000 marriages. “There is almost no story, no matter how sordid, that can surprise me,” he notes.
Without purporting to have any formal education in what makes a relationship thrive, he recently published a book (If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together) in which he shares what he has observed makes relationships fall apart irretrievably.
Relationship and sex therapist Esther Perel notes that, much as one must be able to conjugate certain core verbs in order to speak a language, one must similarly practice seven basic relational verbs to sustain a satisfying friendship or relationship. In the bedroom, practicing these verbs becomes even more significant.
When our partner snaps at us, s/he is generally sending us a distress signal. That distress may be connected to an immediate need that is not being met; to a sense of being overwhelmed; to a feeling of inadequacy or of being misunderstood; or even to an old (painful or uncomfortable) family-of-origin dynamic or trauma that is being triggered.
Human sexuality is complex, and the nature of intimate partners’ circumstances and interactions is varied and complicated. That said, at the risk of oversimplifying all of the above, I share with you a simple, but wise, quotation that rethinks…. foreplay.
According to scientific findings, lasting relationships come down to — you guessed it — kindness and generosity. Drawing on the research of the Gottman Relationship Institute, Emily Esfahani Smith (Masters of Love, The Atlantic, 6.12.14) writes that partners who show genuine interest in their partners’ joys are more likely to be happy together and content with their relationship. The following is a short, edited excerpt.
In his 2008 book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, Terrence Real, distinguished therapist and bestselling author, draws upon his experience working with thousands of couples to teach frustrated partners how to get their mates to show up (and grow up!).
In an article from The New York Times Magazine (“The Generous Marriage,” 12.11.11), Tara Parker-Pope shared the latest research from the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project. According to this study, GENEROSITY — “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly” — was a predictor of “very happy” marriages.