Oct 03 / Simcha

Tips for Effective Conflict Resolution

Are you in the middle of a dispute – personal or professional?

Be aware that if your main goal is to win, blame or change the other party, the conflict will probably escalate, no matter what skills you use. Only begin a conversation about a conflict if you are truly open to learning something new and to problem-solving.

The irony of resolving conflicts or disputes is that the greatest leverage for change comes from listening to and understanding the other person’s point of view, NOT from convincing them you are right. When people feel listened to, they are more likely to try to understand you and your stance.

Oct 01 / Simcha

You are Enough (Says Brene Brown)

The one thing that separates those of us who feel a strong sense of belonging and connection from those of us who don’t is the ability to be authentic, to stop pretending, to accept uncertainty, and to allow ourselves to be deeply seen — with all our imperfections.

This is the conclusion reached by Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, who has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.

Aug 30 / Simcha

Gauzy Slogans Without the Steel

In today’s New York Times editorial (Falser Words Were Never Spoken), Professor Brian Morton*, director of the graduate program in fiction at Sarah Lawrence College, tells us we can’t have it all. We are misled, he claims, by the “shiny, fabulous, gorgeous makeover” of the teachings of our great thinkers, a makeover that strips their wisdom of its subtlety and complexity, leaving us with only illusion and fantasy. Three examples:

Aug 27 / Simcha

Well-Travelled Yet Nought Hath Seen

In this delightful poem, English poet John Kenyon* (1783-1856) mocks the pretentious and complacent 19^th-century British traveler who avoids mixing with the local populations, learns little that touches or changes him, then returns home to pontificate on (and brag about) what he has observed from the comfort of his train car. Kenyon reminds us that if we fail to open ourselves emotionally to that which we encounter as we drift around the bay that is our life, we risk becoming like the well-travelled oyster who — “shut within  his sulky shell, he nought hath seen.”

Aug 19 / Simcha

A Poem about Transformation

The following beautiful poem captures the moment many of us have known when we dare to look at ourselves in the mirror, in search of our authentic self and our authentic voice. On that day, writes poetry critic Roger Housden (Ten Poems to Change Your life), “you simply know that you cannot continue to play by the rules you have accepted for years.” On that day you embark on a journey in which a new self, no longer controlled by the past, can mature and blossom.

The Pause that Refreshes

Many of us, possibly most of us, find it challenging not to react immediately to various triggers without anger, irritation, or defensiveness. Rather than take the time to contemplate and reflect, we react much like Pavlov’s conditioned dogs. And thus we go through life, repeating the same script over and over, with little awareness that we have the choice to respond differently.

Learning from the N. Ireland Peace Negotiator

Harri Holkeri, a former Finnish prime minister (1937-2011) who helped shepherd talks that led to the historic 1998 peace agreement in Northern Ireland, died this week in Helsinki. In a speech in 2008, Mr. Holkeri cited several reasons he and his colleagues were able to guide the long-divided parties to a deal. I wondered, as I read the NYTimes obituary, whether these might be helpful in navigating our own everyday disagreements and conflicts.

Aug 10 / Simcha

Handling Tough Conversations

One of my favorite books on the subject of handling tough conversations and situations is Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (Stone, Patton, Heen & Fisher, 2010). Based on 15 years of work at the Harvard Negotiation Project and consultations with thousands of people struggling to communicate effectively in tough situations, the authors answer the question: When people confront the conversations they dread the most, what works?